Absence

They say absence makes the heart grow Fonda,
But they never specify which one.

I mean, what kind of person just says Fonda
and expects us to know which one they mean?

At least when people say that someone's let the cat
Out of the Baggs, everyone knows they're talking
about Stuart "The Brand" Baggs from The Apprentice.

Playdays

The other day I got the bus headed for the city centre,
but the driver turned onto the M8 motorway and drove
us all the way to Legoland Windsor Resort.
It was only after a closer inspection that it emerged
That we'd been driven by all the way by small child
wearing one of those fake moustaches you get in joke shops.
Turns out the lad has done it a number of times,
And is part of a growing trend of busjacking kids
Angry with their parents for deeming a trip
to their Gran's house to be a perfectly adequate holiday.

If you can displace the fact that you're being driven
 Around illegally by an infant who's probably
Never driven before, it's almost worth taking
a gamble on a £2 return, because you might end up
Someplace real good for a super cheap fare.

You've got to be careful though, because there was
Once this young chap called Sid Wilson who wanted to
Go to Disneyland Paris, but he'd yet to figure out
the capabilities of his bus, so he just drove it
Straight into the Channel and everyone got really wet.

The Beach

I was having a great time at the beach.
I made these huge sand battleforts,
With moats and cannons and all of that,
But it was all ruined when an angry man
Came waving a long metal stick,
Charging at me in his beach wagon,
All hysterical, shouting at me to
'Get out of the Goddamn bunker'.

Yeah, I don't know what he was on about either.

Isn't It Heartbreaking

Isn't it heartbreaking to think about
the comedian Frankie Boyle, and the way
He teaches school children to be naughty
By going up to the gates and whispering words
Like 'Poo' and 'Bum' at them.
How he then follows their progress through school
And gets all excited when they reach university,
Because he thinks they will have mastered
His crude art of telling jokes.
But when he approaches them and laughs
About sticking his penis into animals
Or says something mean about the disabled,
And they just shake their heads and walk away,
He's just left there, alone,
To think about what an awful person he is.

Isn't It Sad

Isn't It sad to think about the future,
And how quite probably there will be
The comedian Russell Howard
Sat in a retirement home somewhere
Telling all of the people he thinks are his friends
About some youtube videos or whatever,
Expecting them to laugh along. 
But nobody laughs.

And then a nurse wheels him away.

Isn't It Funny

Isn't it funny how people always think
At a tube station, waiting for the tube,
That they know where the doors will open,
And when they go to that place,
 If they were to look a little to the right,
They would always see the comedian Michael Mcintyre
A few metres away
Taking a bite from his sandwich,
Content with what he'd just seen.


No, It's fucking scary.